Reflections of Old

Written 6/2/11

Anonymity may be the only way to express.
And through expression dissect.
And through dissection, purge.
Purgatory for my lost soul is my path to salvation,

Everything I write will be truth,
In all it's subjective,
          Occasionally exaggerated form.

Names will be abbreviated to protect the insane, the jealous,
And those that may plot my murder.
But mostly to hide the embarrassed.

Do not look to me as someone who has any answers.
I have no insight except possibly into my own messed up existence.
Or so I hope.

I am flawed in every sense of the word.
Even my strengths are weak as I look at them now,
But what I strive for is to rebuild.
To work from the bare earth and build the house that is my life from the foundation up.

I will dissect and analyze my existence.
As Descartes strove to do,
I will attempt to build only on truths that withstand doubt, attack or erosion.

So as most the first question that I should get out of the way:
Do I believe God exists?
Yes.
Unequivocally.
Yes.
God is at work in my life.
Fate and coincidence.
They have to be part of the master plan,
And things are put in my life for a reason.

There are too many, even when my karma does not warrant it for me to believe in karma alone.
There are places I am meant to be.
People that are in my life for a reason,
That are there to lend a helping hand and eager ear.

Similarly, what is it I want in life?
What is it that anybody wants in life?
To be happy.
To be healthy.
To be thriving.
I'd say love but then I'd almost be too specific.

I have love. Lots of different kinds.
Its such a complex emotion.
I can even love someone that I feel betrays me time and time again.
No, 'betrays' is too harsh.
But who angers, frustrates, and saddens me.
I am too soft-hearted.
Too ready to love and welcome people in.

Posted May 21, 2008: how do you do it. i mean you love the person. they are not necessarily the person you need. not the person who can be there. not the person to be the partner for you. but you dont want them to change themselves. dont want them to force a change for you. i think there is a world full of people who are great and fabulous. just the way they are. but are any of them right for me as is? that's the true test, isnt it.

No matter how much time you give me to do work, I will always find a way to make it seem like I didn't have enough.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 70% Stability |||||| 30% Orderliness |||||||||||| 50% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||| 30% Interdependence |||||||||| 40% Mystical || 10% Materialism |||||||||| 40% Narcissism || 10% Adventurousness |||||| 30% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Conflictseeking |||||||||| 40% Need to dominate |||||||||| 40% Romantic |||||||||||||| 60% Avoidant |||| 20% Anti-authority |||||||||| 40% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 80% Change averse |||| 20% Cautiousness |||||| 30% Individuality |||||||||| 40% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pancomplex |||||||||| 40% Histrionic || 10% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physicalfitness |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Religious |||||||||||||||||| 80% Paranoia |||| 20% Hypersensitivity |||||| 30% Indie |||||| 30%

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Movie Personality

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Passionate Type

You're a free spirit

Key Traits: romantic, dreamer, fickle, communicative, eager, fun, sprightly You're a free and creative spirit. Some people might call you a non-conformist, but you'd like to think of yourself as one who sees beauty where others might miss it. You are inspired and feel passionate about the little things -- the way the sun beams through a window, a memorable guitar riff, a sparkle in someone's eye. Face it. You're a romantic, and even a bit on the wild side when it comes to sex. Your friends and family enjoy your company and value the way you view the world through your own kaleidoscope. People love how imaginative and expressive you are. On the flip side, it takes a lot to keep your attention. But when you encounter someone who can pique your interest and complement your creative disposition, it will be rewarding and powerful!

The Letter

Dear Ben,

I dreamed once that I lost you. We were on icebergs. And I can't remember if you were floating away from me or I was floating away from you. But I remember waking up beside you. It was the middle of the night and it was raining, like tonight. And I heard your breathing, calming me. It was like we could speak without words. I wonder how and when we learned it. This secret language. I only know that at some point in the silences, I heard you. And now I'm left with words, these useless words. When all I want is to be beside you again. To make you feel safe. To help you sleep. To bring you back to me.

~ Felicity