I believe

I believe.... the world is not perfect.

I realize.... things and people will change the way I see things

I will.... look beyond the spoiler
not let single instances ruin the greater good

on darfur/sudan

I wrote a poem or song for Sudan last spring and recently found it in my songwriting notebook during my period of purging. there was some good elements to it. so i edited and here is the new version:

what happened to yesterday
we're somewhere between sleep and awake
tell me what happened to her to the land of the sand
but no such luck, she's lost in sudan
and she's marching to where none return

i closed my eyes, i made a wish for her and blew my candles out
that she may enjoy cake of her own, and friends milling about
i wished her many birthday gifts, but time in unfair and fast
she never knew which day would be her last
that she would be marching to where none return

next day the soldiers came and took them all away
forced the town to get up and march for miles and mile a day
she held her head high, there were tears in her eyes
for gone are her friends, and gone are their smiles
for no laughter dwells where none return

tell me, where is her birthday cake
and where is she, if you can
somewhere 'twix sleeping and awake
but no, she's lost in darfur, deep in the heart of sudan

killings every day, can you see the slain?
the girl is dying, cna you feel her pain?
the piles of bodies, can you smell them burn?
who knew that sudan would become a place from where none return

on reflections in myrtle

not alone but lonely. i am glad that i am not here by myself. the sadness would be too much. i feel like i can't turn to my 'rents. i was so tempted to call chris again but i didn't feel that this ranting was pertinent. he would scold me if i told him that. i hate that they can do this to me and all of a sudden i don't know what to do. i seriously feel like i have nothing in the world.... i would usually say i have zach but even that is uncertain. i wish i could be sure and steady but the most i get is optimistic and hopeful. there is no doubt in my mind that i love him. so much so it hurts. i think abt not having him in my life, even on a weekly or monthly basis and i want to throw something, maybe that will reduce the constriction in my chest. but as much as it hurts i will not force myself where i am not wanted. it is crazy. utterly insane. but seeing him happy makes me happy in some way. god i am sitting out in the cold damp balcony. at least i am shielded from the rain. but i want to run out to the beach and scream at the world. or run down and throw myself into the water. i understand that with every success comes failure, but success doesn't last and failure is not fatal. then why do i feel like my heart is breaking? i am ending a chapter of my life and beginning a new one. but god is severely testing my foundations. if i am sure of anything, it is that god is with me thru it all. and listen to him this week. listen to the waves. to admire the beauty of nature. cuz i am only one person. my problems don't add up to a hill of beans in this world. why then. i ask. does he decide to chip away at my support group? they are my assurance that he is with me. without both him and them i don't know what i'd do. help me be better.