on reflections in myrtle

not alone but lonely. i am glad that i am not here by myself. the sadness would be too much. i feel like i can't turn to my 'rents. i was so tempted to call chris again but i didn't feel that this ranting was pertinent. he would scold me if i told him that. i hate that they can do this to me and all of a sudden i don't know what to do. i seriously feel like i have nothing in the world.... i would usually say i have zach but even that is uncertain. i wish i could be sure and steady but the most i get is optimistic and hopeful. there is no doubt in my mind that i love him. so much so it hurts. i think abt not having him in my life, even on a weekly or monthly basis and i want to throw something, maybe that will reduce the constriction in my chest. but as much as it hurts i will not force myself where i am not wanted. it is crazy. utterly insane. but seeing him happy makes me happy in some way. god i am sitting out in the cold damp balcony. at least i am shielded from the rain. but i want to run out to the beach and scream at the world. or run down and throw myself into the water. i understand that with every success comes failure, but success doesn't last and failure is not fatal. then why do i feel like my heart is breaking? i am ending a chapter of my life and beginning a new one. but god is severely testing my foundations. if i am sure of anything, it is that god is with me thru it all. and listen to him this week. listen to the waves. to admire the beauty of nature. cuz i am only one person. my problems don't add up to a hill of beans in this world. why then. i ask. does he decide to chip away at my support group? they are my assurance that he is with me. without both him and them i don't know what i'd do. help me be better.